I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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