Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
