girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i now understand why vodka
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
