I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
