i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
