just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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