so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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