What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
