Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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