mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
