my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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