3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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