I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
