Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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