Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
