You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
