I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
