I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
