Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
either way he was missing a nipple.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
