So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
