I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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