oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
