i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
