i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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