walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
