A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
