I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
