Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
