If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
