Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
