yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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