gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
