I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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