You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
