and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
