im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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