the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
