There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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