I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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