I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
