Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
