Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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