Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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