I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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