Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Who died my cat blue again?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
