he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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