I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You may now shotgun with the bride
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
