proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize