Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
