I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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