Farmville is her only friend.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
