I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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