Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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