youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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