Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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