Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
