I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
