I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
