Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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