Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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