i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
