can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
