i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
