Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
