Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize