Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
