Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(212): View more from New York

her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum

(212): View more from New York

i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls

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(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?

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(907): View more from Alaska

You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.

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(727): View more from Florida

This is John, I met you downtown last night.

(407): View more from Florida

Oh, ok.

(727): View more from Florida

This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night

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(616): View more from Michigan

Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.

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(949): View more from California

Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again

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